Breakthroughs in the Breaking Down

Sometimes in order to break through, you have to break down. 

For me, both happened election night when, after weeks of anxiety and major transitions, the man who reminded me of my own personal childhood dictator was elected president in real time. 

My breakdown was the catalyst to finally giving a voice to three words that had been fighting to be acknowledged for years. It was a push that ended with a text to my best friend telling her "I'm not okay" even though she already knew. 

My "glass case of emotion" was the collective scream of every painful, joyful, terrified, and perfect moment of my life loudly demanding that they deserved to be felt all the way to the depths of me instead of remaining quiet, little memories. 

My bruised, and battle-worn heart finally grew so tired of my own bullshit that it saw no other choice but to reach out from the cage of numbness to grab ahold of something that felt real. 

And in that desperate bid for freedom, in that abandonment of "the plan" I found what I had been missing. My knees hit the hardwood as heart wrenching grief pummeled me from all sides. Pain overwhelmed me; anger, betrayal, fear over took me as I found the rest of who I was, the part of me I was too scared to meet after so many years of shutting her away. 

I cried several times a day for a week before the pain began to lift. I had always been afraid to let everything out fearing I would just be empty. But what I felt was akin to looking into a mirror and having your reflection meet your eyes for the first time and sigh saying, "finally."

There is grace in the breakdown. There is wholeness mingled in with broken. There is always more light waiting fill the space pain once held.