Clarity

Have you ever been in a time where your future—at one point—looked so clear, and, yet, for some reason, the clarity of your future just completely shattered? This clarity just vanished—just completely ceased to exist. And because of this lack of clarity, you then find yourself facing a load of anxiety and unrest because your present mundane tasks are contingent upon that future goal for which you have been working so diligently to achieve...

I thought I knew the direction in which my life was going to go this year. I thought that I knew how I was going to spend my time, and with whom I was going to spend this time. I thought I was going to get straight As. I thought I was going to get involved more on campus and be able to balance so many different activities at once. I thought I was going to be able to easily transition from living abroad in Europe to being back in California. I thought I was going to be able to take care of myself fully—exercise daily, eat healthily, read for pleasure, etc.

But, for some reason, in this season in my life, I have come up short—I am not “thriving” the way that I thought I would. I am failing a class (for the first time in my life), I have not been to the gym in about a month (and I really do crave those endorphins), and I have been constantly tired and exhausted.

This is not how I envisioned this semester going. I thought I was going to really thrive this season. But, my oh my, the Lord has been testing me. I have had countless sleepless nights this semester. I go to bed at 11:00 at night and wake up between 4:30 and 5:00 in the morning. I have been so restless; I have been so anxious for my future, as I have faced so much trouble recently in my present, everyday tasks.

“What do I do, Lord?”

“What am I doing with my life?”

“What is your purpose for me, Lord?”

“You say that you have plans for me, Jesus, but I feel lost and restless.”

“Where are you, God?”

“Do you even hear my cries and see my tears, Jesus?”

These are the questions and thoughts that have been floating and spinning around in my mind for the past couple of months.

I keep praying to the Lord about my situation. Honestly, I am unhappy and restless. I check my email constantly because I just am desperate for something new—for some new job or opportunity or something that will make me feel more purposeful at this point in my life.

“What do I do?”

The only solution I have to this is to do the things that I already know how to do well. What do I mean by this? I know how to pray, and I know how to love those around me. I know how to be in constant communication with God; I know how I get on my hands and knees and pray. I know how to bow in humility. I know how to smile and to laugh and to breathe. I know how to take one step at a time; I know how to stay focused and just be in the present moment.

I do not know what is going to happen in the future—currently, my future is wide open because the way in which I thought my life was going to go has been completely shattered.

But, I know that Jesus is always with me—He has been carrying me through this season of my life. Though I still have anxiety and pray constantly that the Lord will remove this anxiousness from my life, I have found moments of peace recently—as I know that with me the whole time is Jesus: the most perfect being. With Jesus, I know that I do not need anything else. He is all I need, and I know that His plan for my life is truly the best for me. I pray that if you are at a crossroad in your life, that you join me--you join me in your struggle and in your feeling lost.

Jesus is Lord. He is all we need.