The senior year of college is a funny thing. Well, at least so far it feels kind of funny. It is this weird in-between of wanting to be fully present, yet ultimately having to think somewhat ahead. It is the dichotomy of soaking in every moment and sucking in every ounce of air, yet also knowing in the back of your mind it is incredibly fleeting.
It is so good.
It is so hard, but it is also so good.
It is good because I’m realizing how much of my life up to this point has been a similar dichotomy; I’ve gotten to have my cake and eat it, too. Not always, but most of the time I can get away with some of the gray area.
I’ve gotten the luxury of feeling like an adult and taking out the trash on Sunday nights, yet also knowing when worst comes to worst, my parents will help me carry the loads that are too heavy. I’ve gotten the freedom of college and the choice of studying or sleeping, but also haven’t had the pressure of having it “all figured out”.
However between a lot of long car rides, laughing fits, break-downs, football games and late nights, I’ve blinked and it’s October. And here I sit, again, at a crossroad. This crossroad feels different, though, because up to this point most of my decisions have had end-dates.
High school seems huge at the time, but the grandness wore off and it didn’t last forever – there’s an end date.
College is terrifying, but you also know you will eventually or hopefully graduate – there’s an end date.
However, I am sitting and being asked 100 times a day, the variation of the same question: What’s next?
And I start to stand up, I so deeply desire to project my answer with confidence, but I pause. Because I don’t know. Because I don’t know what’s next, and I don’t know how long it will last. Because I could pick a job – or a career – that may last the next 40 years, but my mind cannot grasp that concept right now. That the next “chunk” of time in my life, the next stepping stone, is . . . indefinite?
It’s the contrast of wanting to pick up my things and travel. And to see and do and taste and dream. The desire to hear a hundred different languages and see three hundred different sunsets. To never feel comfortable, to never feel perfectly settled.
On the other end, though, it’s the desire for my heart to be settled. To be fully known and fully loved. To know that community is important, that people are important, and that I was made for both of those things. To rest, to soak in, to live. It is consistency and it is having a constant.
And now I’m at the crossroads of wanting to go hard and fast versus wanting to rest and be still. And I wonder if I can do both. That if this next season of life, maybe I still have the ability to have my cake and eat it, too?